May 25, 2024

And The Winner Is

Christopher Spivey

Now, I believe it to be fair in saying that there could be literally dozens of contenders for my “Piss Take Of The Past Year Award“, with Doris Johnson and his criminal cartel instantly springing to mind… But I have done the Government and its piss takes to death and as such I am not going to nominate them.

Instead, I am going to nominate those that I personally think worthy of the award but which are probably not the candidates that you would choose (although feel free to nominate your own in the comments).

Nevertheless, all those that I have chosen as nominees have all certainly taken the piss over the past year… And proper pissed me off in the bargain.

Which to be fair, isn’t fucking hard to do.

And so – in no particular order – my nominees for the “Piss Take Of The Past Year” are:

Dog Breeders/Sellers

Now, as most of you know, my adored Rottweiler, Buster died very unexpectedly in February, whilst in the care of a Vet.

In fact I did think about nominating Vets because they also take the right fucking piss – or at least most of them do anyway.

However, like the Government, Vets too having been taking the piss for this long time and as such they don’t really qualify for nomination either.

Fuck me, will you gerron with it Spivey“.

Okay – bit rude.

Now as most of you know, my other dog, Benny – a golden Labrador – was lost without his best mate, Buster; still is, which he would be being as Buster arrived a little over a month after I bought Benny (nearly 7 years ago).

In fact my heart breaks for Benny every day. He is totally lost without Buster to the point that he will no longer eat unless I feed him his dinner on a fork… And not dog food either. He won’t fucking touch that.

And before anyone says that “he will eat when he is hungry“, I can assure you that I tried putting down his dog food dinner (and not the shit stuff either) only to find myself throwing it away two days later without so much as Benny even having a mouthful.

In fact I was so worried about him, that on the advice of my good friend, Paul Boland (a Liverpool based Vet), I took him to my vets who also tried to feed him dog food & treats – all to no avail… He wouldn’t touch it.

Nevertheless, they couldn’t find anything physically wrong with Benny and since – at that point – only two or three weeks had passed since Buster had died, they too were of the opinion that Benny would start eating again in due course.

But he hasn’t. 

Therefore, I am having to feed him boiled chicken, sausages and sliced chicken covered in gravy – in fact the cunt now eats better food than me!

And as I say, he will only eat that if I feed it to him on a fork. I mean, I also tried leaving that good shit in his bowl too, but cooked chicken & sausages cannot be left out in the open for too long without going off so I have no choice but to hand feed him…  Indeed, in the 6 or 7 weeks that Buster has been gone you can actually still see the sadness in Benny’s eyes – I kid you not.

Moreover, I can no longer leave Benny on his own because he has now developed separation anxiety – he howls the place down even if I just take the rubbish out.

This means that every time I have to go to the shops now, I have to take him round my daughter, Stacey’s house for her to babysit him.

And so, with all that in mind, it became obvious to me that the only option I have is to buy Benny a new best friend.

However, with him now being 7 years old I decided to buy a rescue dog rather than a puppy, because obviously if Benny lasts another 7 years then the Pup will only be 7 years old when Benny pops his paws, and as such I will once again be in the same situation as I am now.

Therefore, 3 weeks ago I began scrutinizing the websites of rescue centers throughout London and the South East and made initial inquiries about six suitable candidates – All of them either Labradors or crossbreed Labradors between the ages of 5 & 7.

Course, Rottweilers are my favorite breed (Buster was my third and the only one who didn’t die of old age), but unless you have them from a pup, they can be decidedly dodgy if they are mature when they come to live with you – especially so if they have been mistreated, which sadly, most dogs in rescue centers have been… Hence, I decided upon a rescue Labrador.  

Nevertheless, FOUR of these rescue centers have totally blanked me after filling out their initial inquiry forms and as for the other two?

Well they did at least send me their adoption forms to fill out. The first one was for a 4 year old, male, crossbreed-Labrador based in London, looking for a home with an enclosed back garden, without young children and with another dog in residence… In other words I was the perfect candidate to adopt this dog.

Yet that was nearly 3 weeks ago and I haven’t heard a dickie-bird since… So fuck you too then!

Worse still, to add insult to injury the grabbing cunts wanted £400 for him too! FOUR HUNDRED FUCKING POUND for a 4 year old mongrel!

And as for the second adoption application that I filled in from a rescue center somewhere in Essex, well to be fair to them, they sent me the [digital] paperwork fairly quickly.

This application was for me to adopt a 6 year old, female black Labrador. And once again, I more than met the criteria of this dogs needs as set out on their website i.e, own back garden, no young children, another dog in residence and I am at home all day.

Course, these grabbing cunts also wanted £400 for this dog, which again I think is a proper fucking liberty – but which I was nevertheless prepared to pay; as was I for the crossbreed-Labrador.

Yet when I came to fill in the adoption form, I immediately hit a snag on the third question – see screenshot below:

Now that to me is just nonsensical.

You see, the problem is that Benny still has his balls, yet the dog that I was applying for has been spayed! Therefore, I fail to see what difference Benny having his knackers intact makes.

So, instead of filling out the lengthy adoption form I wrote them the following email:

Needless to say, I did not get a reply. In fact it seems to me that these rescue centers are more interested in getting people to donate rather than re-home their poor dogs. You see, as far as I can make out most of the dogs available for adoption on their websites appear to already be fostered out.

So, I have given up on these grabbing-cunt rescue centers and instead I decided to see what was available for sale in the private sector… Or put another way, I was now prepared to fork out for a pup and worry about the consequences of doing so when Benny dies – which I hope will not be for many years to come.

And with that being the case, I could now consider buying a Rottweiler puppy.

But fuck me! Was I in for a shock. You see, Rottweiler puppies are now selling for no less than £2000 and are on sale for as much as £3000 if they are KC registered… And Labrador puppies are also in that same price bracket too!

Now I gotta tell ya that when I bought my first Rottweiler, Jasper in 2001 he cost me the equivalent of £200… I say the “equivalent” because I did the person I bought him off £200 worth of tattoos instead of paying cash for him – everybody was fucking happy.

And as for my second Rottweiler, Jessica; well she cost me £400 cash in 2007 – meaning that Rottweilers had doubled in price over a six year period.

Course, when Jasper died in 2014 I was faced with the same problem that I am now, namely that Jessica was pining for her lifelong mate.

So, I went out and bought Benny (my Pedigree Labrador) for £400 from a pet shop in Romford, since seemingly at the time there were no Rottweiler pups (ready immediately) for sale in Essex… That is apart from one greedy cunt in Epping Forest who wanted £1000 for one of his litter.

And I wasn’t prepared to pay that since the going price for Rottweiler puppies was still £400 at the time – or certainly no more than £600 if you wanted one that was KC registered.

Therefore, since Labrador puppies go for the same amount of money as Rottweilers it is safe to say that between 2007 and 2014 there had been no increase in the price of pedigree pups.

In fact, since I bought Benny from a pet shop (which obviously charge more for their pups than private home sellers do), it could in fact be argued that in the aforementioned 7 year period, the price of pedigree pups had actually fallen… especially given mind to the fact that Benny has his pedigree papers, whereas both Jasper & Jessica had zilch.

Course, Buster then came along a month or so after I bought Benny, but he was a gift (a very generous one at that) from one of my readers so he didn’t cost me anything.

So, to get to the point; in the 7 years that have gone by since acquiring Benny & Buster, how the fuck can these sellers now justify charging between £2000 & £3000 for a pedigree pup!

And even more outrageous still, it transpires that you can’t buy a mongrel puppy for less than £1250!

I mean, fuck me, twenty or so years ago mongrel pups were either free to good homes or drowned in the canal!

But here is the thing. You see, this disproportionate increase in the price of dogs has now led to a very lucrative market in dogs being stolen – In unprecedented numbers.

Which is of course is inevitable, given the over inflated market price… In fact the following newspaper report is from just 2 weeks ago:

More than 80,000 dog owners say they are more fearful of taking their pet for a walk in daytime, according to a survey launched after a spate of dog theft reports.

The survey, by the police and crime commissioner for Sussex, Katy Bourne, had nearly 125,000 responses and she said the “huge” response showed widespread fear among dog owners about pet theft and a lack of confidence that the crime is taken seriously by police.

More than 27,000 people also said they knew someone whose dog had been stolen in the past year, although only about 400 said their own dog had been taken, she told the Observer... Source

But that is what greed has led to! I mean, if a pedigree dog has a litter of ten, then the breeder stands to make up to THIRTY-FUCKING-GRAND… Fuck me, I could in fact buy a female Labrador puppy, wait a few years and then breed her with Benny and be quids in… But that is not what I am about and as I say, if I am going to have to buy a pup then it will be in all probability a MALE Rottweiler.

However, not only will dog thefts continue to rise; so will cruel puppy farms too.

And worst of all is that the reality of the situation means that responsible dog owners like myself are being priced out of the market… Fuck you, you greedy fucking bastards.

Nevertheless, I am desperate so if you want to contribute to my puppy fund I will be extremely grateful or if anyone knows of a dog that needs re-homing, please give me a shout… Obviously, any dog that needs re-homing would need to get on with Benny of course.

Nuff said.

Now, the next contender for the award is:

Kate ‘boo-hoo’ Garraway

You see, for the past year TV personality, Kate’s husband, Derek Draper had been in a coma after supposedly catching the Kung-Flu-Bollox… Which I have to say, I didn’t believe for one fucking second.

In fact it could be said that Draper appears to have set an unbeatable record since no one else – as far as I am aware – has even come close to being in a coma for that long as a consequence of catching Covid 19.

Yet every fucking week for the past year since allegedly catching the old bollox, there has been press farticles about Del-Boy; all written with the expressed intention of eliciting sympathy for Kate Garroway… Go count them in the Chimp archives – there is fucking hundreds of them.

Indeed, the Chimp has had proper mileage out of the story and what do I always tell you when the Monkey-Kuntz over-report on a story?

The story is a made up load of old tosh.

And if anymore proof of the fact was needed, it now transpires that throughout the past year, “broken-hearted” Kate had been participating in a fly-on-the-wall documentary about Derek’s struggle.

The documentary – imaginatively titled “Finding Derek” – did in fact air on ITV last week:

Kate Garraway has been praised by both TV critics and viewers following the broadcast of a documentary about her husband’s long battle with Covid-19.

Ex-political adviser Derek Draper is still in hospital after being admitted with coronavirus symptoms last March.

ITV documentary Finding Derek followed Good Morning Britain presenter Garraway over the course of Draper’s illness... Source

PHOTO: Kate & Del


Now it is clear to me that poor, devoted, heartbroken Kate wasn’t as devastated by her husbands condition as the press would have had you believe week in, week out for the past fucking year.

I mean, according to the huge number of farticles written in the press, Garroway supposedly hasn’t known if old Del was going to live or die or spend the rest of his life as a cabbage and as such you would have thought that the last thing she would have wanted to do was take part in a financially lucrative documentary… Yet she appears to have jumped at the chance.

Course, someone more cynical than myself may even well suggest that ITV & Kate knew that Del-Boy would be in a coma for a very long time, prior to him arriving there… Which would be a fair point given the fact that these documentaries are rarely conceived over night. 

I mean, there is a lot of planning involved and a lot of contracts to be signed as well as all the legal matters to be sorted… Yet suppose Del-Boy had come out of his coma after a week or so?

That would have thrown an almighty spanner in the works wouldn’t it? In fact I would hazard a guess that given the fact that Covid is not particularly deadly, statistically the chances of Draper being in a coma for a year are minuscule.

Unless of course, Kate & Co knew something we didn’t.

And more suspiciously still, good old Del-boy rallied right on cue because as coincidence would have it, he came out of his coma just in time to make the final cut… In other words, the whole story stinks of pig shit.

Course, Garraway is one of the many MSM gate-keeper’s for the Monster-Elite’s propaganda stories so we shouldn’t be too surprised at the large part she has played in this blatant piece of Covid propaganda. But by the same token, neither can there be any doubt that she has been taking the proper piss for the past year.

Still, moving on swiftly and next up is:

The Old Bill

Now, I wasn’t going to include the gammon-cunts because like our Government they have been taking the piss for fucking years… A fact that I know from first hand experience.

However, a story from the other day caught my eye and because of that I have decided to give the thugs in blue a nomination.

You see, the story in question was the arrest of former East 17 singer Brian Harvey:

Former East 17 star Brian Harvey has been arrested on suspicion of malicious communication – and posted the moment he was confronted by cops on YouTube.

The troubled singer, 46, was met by six police officers at his London home on Friday morning before being taken to Leyton Police Station for questioning.

He live-streamed the bizarre exchange which showed him refusing to open his front door to awaiting officers and later asking them: ‘Are you going to kill me?’Source

Now I fucking ask you? Were SIX Cuntstables really needed for the arrest?

PHOTO: The Gammon at Harvey’s door

I mean, Brian is only little and the charge was for sending a malicious communication, although to be fair that offence does seem to be akin to a murder charge these days.

PHOTO: Brian Harvey (arrowed) – he’s only little

Nevertheless, the charge appears to have been brought at the behest of Harvey’s ex-girlfriend, Danielle Westbrook – who played the original Sam Mitchell in ‘Eastenders’ – after the former lovebirds had a bit of a public spat on Social Media.

Course, Harvey suffers from acute paranoia so with 6 MET officers – with fuck all better to do – showing up at his door, he was driven properly over the edge.

PHOTO: Brian & Danielle, back in the day before her nose fell off

Yet as far as I can see, Danielle gave as good as she got in the row and since she too is also clearly off her chump, you have to ask yourself why the fuck the plod bothered to even get involved at all.

After all, the spat was nothing more than the pair of washed-up, former-celebs attention seeking on the internet.

In fact, the video (found at the link to the above Chimp farticle) of Westbrook ranting at Harvey is pure comedy gold.

Indeed, Westbrook ought to be the poster girl in an advertising campaign for never ever going anywhere near Cocaine.

PHOTO: Westbrook ranting at Harvey in the You Tube video – her nose quite literally appears to have taken a turn for the worse again.

I mean, c’mon for fucks sake. Surely to Dog the Met could have put the cost of investigating and arresting Harvey to better use?

Yet as I say, non-crimes like ‘malicious communications’ are taken much more serious by the old bill these days, than real crime is.

Course, anyone who still believes that there are still some good coppers to be found are sadly deluded, yet the cunts in blue all perceive themselves as being Charlie-Big-Bananas and under the misguided notion that their job automatically entitles them to respect… It doesn’t.

I mean, have a read of this:

A police officer has revealed she is transgender and identifying as a woman after nearly two decades on the force.  

West Midlands Police officer Skye Morden said she always knew she was transgender but ‘kept it a secret for years.’ 

The 44-year-old, who wears a blonde wig to work and has had makeup lessons, has now come out as a woman after splitting from her wife… Source 

IT’S NOT A SHE, IT’S A FUCKING HE, you daft cunts… Wanna see a photo of the nutter?

Of course you fucking do:

Now personally if that daft cunt turned up at my door I could never take the freak seriously, let alone offer HIM any respect… But perhaps that’s just me.

And so on to the next nominee:

Harry & Smeg

What a pair of cunts they are taking themselves off to America and upsetting the delightful 94 yr old Sweaty Betty in the bargain!

Nah, I’m only kidding. Bizzy Lizzy aint upset about fuck all… It is all just a play act.

After all, are we really daft enough to believe that the Royal Parasites waited until after Archie was born to question how dark skinned he would be?

Of course they fucking didn’t… I mean there is no denying that the Royals are all a bit fucking simple but even they were savvy enough to understand that Megan isn’t full anglo-saxon.

And despite what the presstitutes would have you believe, the Royal family are still inherently racist and made millions out of the slave trade.

Therefore, any worries as to what colour Archie would come out as would have been addressed before the fucking wedding… But like I say, it is all theater and I do indeed stick by what I wrote in my book: Meghan Markle – Exposed

Or to put it another way; Smeg doesn’t really exist… She is an actress playing a role and was never even pregnant in the first place.

I mean, do you remember when her bump slipped?

Here, take a butchers at the following photos:

And as I also pointed out in a previous article on the old site that no woman who is 9 months pregnant could so easily squat down onto her haunches while wearing stiletto heels to greet children, like Smeg did.

Furthermore, because Meghan does not really exist it also makes perfect sense to pretend to ship the pair of reprobates across the pond, so as Smeg does not constantly need to be wheeled out for Royal ‘duties’.

Course, the press are claiming that this is the worst Royal crisis since Gay-Edward, the Nazi abdicated the throne back in 1936!

Do me a fucking favour! Or should we just ignore the fact that Princess Andrew is up to his neck in kiddie-fiddling?

And don’t even get me started on Prince Buggerlugs and his nonce pals.

Course, with Harry & Smeg hogging the headlines it kept Phil the Duck out of the news… That is to say that there was surprisingly very limited reporting on his long hospital stay in which he supposedly underwent heart surgery.

And then when he did finally leave hospital, there were screens erected so as he could not be photographed actually leaving the place.

Despite that fact, the corrupt press still claimed that they took photos of the Duck emerging from behind the screens but I have seen no such photos and the screens make no sense whatsoever.

I mean, why put fucking screens up at all if the old cunt then had to emerge from them to get into his motor?

The ‘Iron Duke’ was photographed leaving King Edward VII’s Hospital in Marylebone at about 10.30am today, with screens obscuring him in a wheelchair for the most part, before getting into a car and being driven away... Source

Now that fucking baffles me. I mean no one would think any less of the old bastard leaving hospital in a wheelchair would they… After all, he is 99 years old and supposedly recovering from heart surgery… Not that he ever had a heart.

So then, that begs the question; ‘why hide his departure from the media’?

I mean, in doing so that then left the press no other choice but to use badly photoshopped images of him ALLEGEDLY being driven away from the building.

See what I mean about the photoshopping? The cunts always try to disguise fake photos like this by adding lots of reflections on the windows. And even then, the photo were all close ups of the cars occupants meaning that there is no evidence whatsoever of the Duck leaving the hospital… Well, apart from the badly photoshopped street sign supposedly reflecting off the cars roof!

However, at one point the the search engine Bing did list the Duck as having kicked the bucket:

Indeed, Bing certainly do have some explaining to do… I mean to be fair, the Duck probably died years ago (probably when it was announced that he was retiring from public duties) but the Monster Elite will decide when to break the news to the peasants – not Bing.

Nuff said. And so onto the final nominee:


Well I couldn’t leave them out now, could I?

I mean, to be fair the donuts do now appear to have accepted that Donny Fart is no longer President although they are still convinced that he will make a bid to be re-elected in 4 years time… Which no doubt will be what “The Plan” was all along once the silly cunts have had a week or two to forget that “The Plan” was originally for Trump to win the Election last year… Which then morphed into Trump purposely losing the Election so as he could have Biden arrested at his inauguration.

Course that didn’t happen either so “The Plan” changed again (seemingly unnoticed by the Qtards), to now having Trump taking back the top-job on March the 4th… Which as we know, also didn’t happen.

But that of course is old news but the reason that I have nominated the Qcumbers is because when that Evergreen container ship blocked the Suez Canal last week, the word from Q was that it was a deliberate act so as “The White Hats” could go aboard and free hundreds of children who were supposedly locked in the containers… And as such, “The Plan” failed again.

Course, quite why Q thought that it would be a good idea to have the ship deliberately block the Suez canal for the rescue operation is beyond me. I mean, why not just rescue the kids when the ship docked?

But then again that would be too easy and defeat the object because the whole point of Q is to show their followers up for the half-baked, fucking retards that they really are.

Nevertheless, as an aside, the blocking of the Canal was a psyop… I mean, these huge ships are steered by computers and GPS along with other high-tech shit that I don’t understand. And as such, it would have been impossible for the ship to have got into the position that it did.

And if you doubt that fact consider this: The Suez Canal opened in 1869 yet I believe this Evergreen bollox is the first incident of it’s kind. Now think about how many ships have used the canal in that 152 year time period, the vast majority of which would have been steered by a Captain.

Total, total bollox.

So, that concludes my five nominees:

And the winner is:

Well, it has to be the Dog Breeders & Rescue Centers doesn’t it – although I am sure that you will disagree.

Nevertheless, it is my award ceremony and as such I get to choose… I love dogs to fucking bits and to my mind what is going on is nothing short of criminal… And I am not even talking about the Dognapping.

Indeed, the cunts are proper taking the piss.

Just sayin’.